I remain resolute…

I resolutely refuse to make resolutions.

Can you think of a worst time of year to try to stop drinking, lose weight or save money?

We’re on holidays. Hedonism rules.

If you’d like to join me in swimming against the tide, here are some anti-resolutions for 2010.*

  • 1. Eat something bigger than your own head. When was the last time you really, really gorged yourself? Feels good, huh. Forget the lettuce and grapefruit diet. Pile up your plate with fat and carbohydrates and dig in. If the climate change scientists are right, we won’t have to worry about tomorrow anyway.
  • 2. Break the rules. Gee it feels good to swim outside the flags. Why not walk the dog without a lead? Maybe cross the road against the lights. Small, subversive acts make life that little bit more exciting.
  • 3. Have a 24-hour TV marathon. Sloth is extremely underrated. Make sure the shows are particularly mind numbing like – well – pretty much anything on free-to-air television over the summer break.
  • 4. Spend loads of money on yourself. It might be a good idea to cancel any regular charity payments to facilitate this. Then spend the money on shoes or a new surfboard. Ah, the joys of capitalism. What Global Financial Crisis?
  • 5. Drive instead of walk. Take the car for a cruise around the block. Chuck a couple of doughnuts while you’re at it. Feel the smooth, leather seats. Luxuriate in the cool, clean air-conditioning. If the climate change deniers are right, it won’t do any harm anyway.
  • 6. Replace greetings with glares. If someone says “Happy New Year” simply frown and say, “Well it would be, except my house burned down. And I didn’t have insurance”. Just to see the looks on their faces.
  • 7. Give up exercise. It makes you sweaty, ruins your knees and adds years to your face. Have you ever seen a healthy-looking marathon runner? Nup, me either.
  • 8. Drink more grog. You’ve gotta die of something. Might as well be happy, singing loudly with underpants on your head.
  • 9. Ditch a hobby. Why do something you enjoy when you could be working longer hours instead? Cut to the chase and give up reading/guitar lessons/art classes/rock climbing before you begin.
  • 10. Cram more into each day. Try to send an email on your BlackBerry while driving the car, eating a sandwich, brushing your hair and changing radio stations. For an extra degree of difficulty, do it in peak hour traffic on the Sydney Harbour Bridge at the same time. Now that’s what I call fun.

If all else fails, remember that this year has gotta be better than the last.

It seems our global leaders had some anti-resolutions of their own.

Happy New Year!

*These may or may not be recommended. See your health care professional if pain persists.