World’s skinniest house

We’ve just bought the world’s skinniest house.

Seriously – you have to turn sideways to get in the door.

It’s like the architectural version of Victoria Beckham, except without David in the bedroom (sigh).

Still, it’s our pocket of paradise after sacrificing every Saturday to the God of real estate.

Even Prince William wanted a piece of the action, although he did seem to be referring to the Opera House when he expressed that he, too, had succumbed to the Great Australian Dream.

In a city like Sydney, you need the cunning of a rat and the speed of a cougar to bag a bargain.

Did I also mention the wealth of Warren Buffett?

The first place we looked at a year ago seemed perfect, until we walked into the lounge room where two giggling girls were smoking what appeared to be cigarettes.

“Did you know,” one was saying to the other, “that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo?”

“Woooowww,” drawled the other, taking an almighty toke.

“What’s that smell mummy?” five-year-old Taj asked.

Nothing you ever need to know about, I replied optimistically.

Sadly the drug den was out of our price range, so we eventually settled on nana’s home just around the corner.

It had a wild overgrown garden, perfect for pixies, and a massive tree in the front yard begging for a child’s swing.

Inside, the bathroom had been designed by a literalist – no shower, toilet or washbasin: just a bath in a room.

Getting a home loan was like learning a foreign language.

Somebody needs to publish an English-Bankish dictionary.

Thankfully, hubby is fluent in money-ese, so I just sat in the corner of the loan manager’s office, fingers shoved firmly in my ears, humming softly to myself.

Anyway, on the morning of the auction I bounced out of bed, ready to implement my winning strategy.

I would stand at the back wearing my tracksuit and ugg boots, looking nonchalant and a little unhinged, until the auctioneer said “going twice”.

Then I would spring to life, knocking the other bidders for six.

The plan was flawless, except for one thing.

Tragically, the elderly vendor died at 2am on the day of the auction.

We felt dreadful for the family. The house was subsequently pulled off the market and passed down to her son.

Another house in the same street went up for sale, but we couldn’t get over the terrible circumstances across the road.

This is where the world’s skinniest house entered the picture.

It ticked all the boxes: a knock-down house, on a quiet street, near the post office and coffee shop, a couple of blocks back from the beach.

Within 24 hours it was signed, sealed and delivered.

Sure, we’ll have to lose half our combined body weight to live there while the development plans go through council.

But that’s the thing about the Great Aussie Dream: it comes in all shapes and sizes.