God Save the Queen – from Us…

I wonder how the Queen feels about Aussies celebrating her birthday?

We’re like the black sheep of the family running amok at a terribly civilised event.

What are those ruffians doing over there?” the Queen would ask her equerry.

“Madam, those are your loyal subjects from the Antipodes. As it is rather warm down there, they must imbibe an unseemly amount of fluids to remain hydrated,” he would reply.

“Oh, I see. Well that man with the large champagne flute must be extremely dehydrated. His friends are exhorting him to drink it ‘down, down, down, down’. Should one call an ambulance?”

“No, those Or-streyl-ans are hardy folk. Remember Gallipoli? The Kokoda Track? They have the constitution of oxen.”

“Yars, it must be from all that fresh food down there. Thriving farming sector you know, the bits that haven’t been sold off to the Chinese. Although, that blond-haired fellow with Elizabeth Hurley is veritably wasting away!”

“Yes, madam. I will attend to him immediately. Some cultural cuisine, of a meat  variety with a pastry case?”

“Superb. And when will they sing the national anthem, God Save Me?”

“Er, madam, they’re extremely excited about your birthday, as you can see by that fellow who’s dancing around after dropping a pair of tongs on his toes, but that rogue Gough Whitlam changed the anthem to some dreadful ditty called Advarnce Or-streyl-a Fair way back in the 1970s. Terrible chap. Good thing you got rid of him.”

“Well, what about Happy Birthday? Am I at least afforded the privilege of my servants, I mean subjects, singing while I blow out my 85 candles?”

“Now, I have spoken to them about that. To celebrate your birthday, they sing a folk song called ‘Or-zie, Or-zie, Or-zie, Oi, Oi, Oi! We must respect their long-standing cultural traditions, ma’am.”

“Sigh. Well, one must be thankful that they remain one’s subjects. After all that nasty business with that – what’s the name of that rampant left-wing chappie again – Malcolm something?”

“Er, actually, madam, Mr. Turnbull is his name and he is a conservative.”

“What? Honestly, sometimes I wonder what the world has coming to. One’s grandson’s wedding is overshadowed by the bridesmaid’s buttocks; one’s eldest son speaks to plants; and one’s husband thinks the indigenous people still throw spears at one another. Makes me wonder why I get out of bed in the morning.”

“Take heart, m’lady. There’s still Canada. They seem rather civilised over there, aside from the barbaric practice of beating baby seals. Oh, and Sierra Leone. No, wait, they train child soldiers, I believe. Of course there’s Bangladesh, although they could be washed away any minute….”

“I believe I need a cup of tea and a good lie down. Do take care of the ruffians, will you? One of them appears to have fallen asleep in one’s rose garden.”

Have a right royal Queen’s Birthday, won’t you!