‘Cos that’s what you can expect if you don’t lose the baby weight quickly enough.

Soon we’ll see Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig brochures handed out to women leaving hospital with their bundles of joy – to get rid of those bundles of fat.

Clearly, I’m joking.

But women like Victoria Beckham are setting the bar so high, the only way to reach it is to forget about your baby’s diet and focus on your own.

Planning a Kafkaesque metamorphosis, Posh is locked away in a rented Malibu mansion to get back to a size zero in time for New York fashion week next month.

Sources say she’s only eating five handfuls of food a day.

Oh – and the odd glass of coconut water as a special treat.

I can understand the pressure on celebrities, famous for being thin, wanting to remain that way.

It’s all about the hip-pocket: The more weight they lose, the more money they make.

But to do this at the expense of your precious newborn is bordering on child abuse.

This is crucial bonding time.

Using that time on a treadmill is evidence of deep psychological problems.

While this is an extreme example, most celebrities follow suit.

Witness the pictures of actress Selma Blair just one month after giving birth.

It appears as though the stork dropped young Arthur on her doorstep.

Natalie Portman proudly declared before giving birth she was not worried about losing her baby weight: “It’ll be more comfy for the new baby,” she quipped.

And yet two months after having Aleph, she’s photographed in a skimpy blue playsuit.

As for poor Pink – well, she can’t win.

Papped a mere five days after giving birth to Willow Sage, questions were raised about why she hadn’t lost her baby weight.

(I can empathise. About a week after giving birth to my son Taj, a local shopkeeper asked when the baby was due because of my enormous floppy belly!)

And yet, a couple of months later, the headlines scream ‘Pink kisses baby weight goodbye!’

Finally, she’s being rewarded for doing what’s expected of her.

And this is the dark side of fame – whatever they do, they’ll be judged.

But feeding the frenzy by embarking on dangerous weight loss regimes is doing a disservice to their adoring fans.

Every woman is different. Some lose the baby weight within six months, through a combination of breastfeeding, sensible diet and exercise.

Others struggle for years because of hormones, exhaustion and their natural body type.

I was one of the lucky ones.

Each time, at around four months, breastfeeding stripped off the excess weight.

The important message is this: Don’t envy celebrity mothers for their extreme regimes.

Frankly, I feel sorry for them.

Instead of lolling about in baby bliss, they’re chained to the treadmill eating handfuls of quinoa; criticised for any physical sign they’ve  actually given birth.

Surely it’s all about creating life, not magazine headlines.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky News anchor and principal of spicercommunications.biz

You’ve raised children together; grieved the death of your parents; cared for each other in sickness and in health.

Then the kids become old enough to look after themselves. You can go on that trip you’d been planning. Spend some precious time together.

Except you don’t want to. You look into the eyes of your beloved and see a stranger staring back.

Perhaps this is the fate of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.

Sure, there are the ‘other women’. TMZ sources say Shriver is tired of the infidelities and Schwarzenegger’s uncontrollable ego.

But Kennedy women – Maria is the niece of former US President John F Kennedy  – tend to turn a blind eye to such matters.

Then there are the political differences.

Schwarzenegger is a Republican while his estranged wife is a Democrat.

But that makes for interesting debates around the dinner table, if my marriage is anything to go by!

Maybe they’re casualties of gender warfare?

Shriver tweeted last week: “Situation room photo (in the White House) got me thinking: Is the model of masculinity changing in America?”

She’s comparing the cool-headed modern male leader, Barack Obama, with the pumped-up 80s version of masculinity epitomised by Schwarzenegger – the “condom full of walnuts”.

So what makes a couple, after 25 years of marriage and four children, walk away from it all?

In Australia, the divorce rate among baby boomers is rising faster than any other age group. More often than not, it’s the woman who makes the decision to leave.

“Many people want to keep the family stable for the sake of the children,” according to the CEO of Relationships Australia, Anne Hollonds.

“But they don’t invest in keeping their own relationship strong so, over the decades, they drift apart.”

A source close to the couple says for the past seven years they’ve been extremely busy, with Shriver putting her TV news career on hold to support the Governator.

An associate of the Kennedy family says the breakup “was inevitable. They have been on very different paths for a long time”.

Four months after returning to acting, Schwarzenegger says he and Shriver still love one another and are taking “one day at a time”.

One of their children, Patrick, has tweeted, “Appreciate all your messages. Small speed bump in life, luckily we own hummers, we will cruise right over it”.

While they are yet to file divorce papers, it appears history is against them.

“In cases like this, very few couples get back together again,” Anne Hollonds says.

Let’s hope it’s not terminal.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky News anchor and News Ltd columnist.

“It’s the hardest thing about being a mother,” she says. “Making sure they each have a portion of my time.”

The 41-year-old journalist and TV presenter is enjoying the challenge of living in Singapore, studying at university, writing a book – and caring for five-month-old baby Nicholas.

While many ex-pats outsource child rearing, Antonia is a hands-on mum.

“I was the one who primarily raised my kids in Australia,” she says proudly, “and I’ve taken those sensibilities with me.”

Her new husband Craig Marran, who works for a Canadian bank, found a home in the inner city within walking distance of the International School for 12-year-old Lucia, 10-year-old Hamish, eight-year-old James and four-year-old Sybella.

It took some time for them to settle in – especially James, who found it “too hot” – but they’ve now formed close friendships with classmates from all over the world.

While growing up in a small family with sister Nicole, Antonia yearned for the companionship in the neighbour’s house, bustling with four kids.

“I always wanted four,” she says.

Craig is a “great stepdad”, home for the family dinner most nights and taking Hamish overseas for rugby tournaments.

“But we thought it would be a lovely journey to go on together, having another baby,” she smiles. “It’s been wonderful; he’s absolutely thrilled.”

Still, it wasn’t all beer and skittles – or gin slings, for that matter.

After an uncomfortable pregnancy in the equatorial heat, Antonia went into labour five weeks early.

Nicholas was rushed to ICU and put on a ventilator.

“It was hard, managing the uncertainty,” she says pensively. “It’s not having the baby next to you immediately. But it was a really bonding experience for Craig and me. You cling to each other.”

Fortunately, Nicholas latched on beautifully. “I knew (breastfeeding) would be healing for him,” she says.

Her heart goes out to women who have trouble breastfeeding.

She believes there’s too much judgement on mothers in general – from other women.

“I think that women’s sense of value comes from their home lives, whereas men, it comes from the workplace. Women will always be competitive with each other in relation to their children,” she sighs.

The TV presenter tackled these issues in her Foxtel shows The Little Things, The Bigger Things and From Here to Maternity – including the perennial struggle for work/life balance.

When she moved in Singapore in January last year, Antonia wanted to take time off work to settle the family.

It didn’t last long.

“I need that (to do work),” she says adamantly. “And I’m not ashamed to say that.”

She immediately enrolled to do International Studies and History at the University of New England, started writing a lifestyle book, and became an ambassador for China Holidays.

“I don’t have the balance right,” she laughs. “I can do it all, but in degrees.”

The best advice came from her mother Janelle, a nursing educator and feminist.

“Every time I said, but I want to do this work, or I want to do that work, she’d say, ‘Relax! If you don’t do it, it doesn’t mean it’s all over. It’s just delayed’.”

Anthonia doesn’t understand why ‘feminism’ has become a dirty word.

“We’re always quick to define it in a bad light. But I will always call myself a feminist.”

Aside from her mum, Antonia says she couldn’t do the juggle without the support of her loving husband.

“You can’t be responsible for everything. You end up being exhausted. I’ve been there, where you are just run off your feet,” she admits.

For 11 years, Antonia was married to Angus Hawley.

After the birth of Sybella in 2007, Hawley checked himself into rehab for drug addiction and depression.

Their marriage never recovered. He hooked up with nanny Prue Fisher, who once interviewed for a job in the Kidman/Hawley household.

Two months ago, they got married in a private ceremony at Palm Beach.

“It’s not ideal,” Antonia reflects, on the logistics of blended families.

“But you work out your boundaries. It’s good that we’ve managed it,” she says.

In fact, it sounds like relations are thawing rather well.

“We all talk,” Antonia says simply. “Prue has been a constant in the kids’ lives for some time now. She has a brother who lives in Singapore, so they’re up here quite often.”

Prue and Angus recently took the kids on a holiday to Bali.

As for how the kids are coping with the break-up, Antonia is pragmatic.

“Kids don’t analyse too much. If their unit is solid, then they’re OK. They’re in a really good place at the moment.”

It seems the family that plays together, stays together.

Despite the heat, most weekends are spent competing in triathlons and other sporting events.

“We’re a bit dinky, as a family,” Antonia laughs.

Her obsession with exercise has eased over the years. The strenuous Ashtanga yoga and marathons have given way to swimming and sunrise strolls.

“I shake it up a bit, so it (exercise) doesn’t get boring.”

So will we see her pounding the pavement back home any time soon?

“I’m coming back to Australia in June for a visit so Nicholas can see his grandparents and cousins,” she beams.

Until then, a mother’s work is never done.

Antonia will spend Mother’s Day coordinating Sybella’s fourth birthday party at Lollipop Land.

“The party’s a month late,” she says, a little embarrassed. “I forgot to book it!”

No doubt she will be cutting the cake carefully, making sure every child gets an equal slice.

Tracey Spicer is a Sky newsreader, 2ue broadcaster and News Ltd columnist.

The Odd Couple from the TV series were famous for their differences.

But is there a more bizarre pairing than the star of The Wolfman and the pretty progeny of Rod Stewart?

Beauty and the beast. The socialite and Sasquatch. Gorgeous meets Goliath.

“Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby,” according to Del Toro’s agent.

She must have had the champagne goggles on that night, you might say.

But personally, I think he’s a bit of alright.

One of the great character actors of our time, Del Toro has been dubbed the new Brando.

“I’m not Jack Nicholson. I’m not Brando. But I do mumble,” he once said.

“When doctors spank the baby to get it to breathe, the only sound it’ll make is mmmmllhphphr,” one blogger unkindly wrote.

He’s not known as the Latin Lothario for nothing.

Del Toro recently hooked up with stunning Scarlett Johansson, who is now rumoured to be pregnant to actor Sean Penn.

Again, they seem an unlikely match.

But they have shared values. Both are staunch Democrats, campaigning for social justice.

Some odd couples defy their detractors.

Take Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn.

At the age of eight she was adopted by Allen’s long-time partner, Mia Farrow, during a trip to Korea.

As one blogger put it, “Farrow probably wishes she’d brought back a different souvenir”, after she discovered naked pictures of her adopted daughter in Woody Allen’s apartment.

Almost 20 years later, they’ve proven the critics wrong. Allen and Previn are happily married with two adopted daughters of their own.

For the life of me, I can’t work out what Nicole Richie sees in her heavily tattooed hubby Joel Madden, from the band Good Charlotte.

Perhaps they’re secretly tweeters – of the bird-watching variety – after naming one of their children Sparrow.

And what attracted Sandra Bullock to the crazy Jesse James?

They’d known each other for a couple of years before tying the knot, arriving at the ceremony in a red monster truck.

Sure, there was a shared love of country music, but it wasn’t enough.

James is now as happy as a pig in mud with LA Ink star Kat Von D: “Growing old with her is going to be a f*#king blast!”

The award for the oddest couple, though, goes to Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall.

Who could forget those photos of the buxom stripper with the 89-year-old billionaire? Naturally, it was love at first sight – of his bank account.

Illicit substances could be blamed for bringing Kate Moss and Pete Doherty together, but they endured for almost three years.

That’s about the same amount of time that Julia Roberts stayed with Lyle Lovett.

“They split up after Julia updated her glasses prescription,” was the joke going around at the time.

Then there’s Shane Warne and Liz Hurley.

While the spin king may have bowled his last googly to the beautiful actress, many are surprised it lasted as long as it did.

Aside from a shared love of publicity, what on earth did they have in common?

Hundreds of years ago, in The Merchant of Venice, Shakespeare wrote that “love is blind and lovers cannot see”.

Now, brain imaging supports this.

A study of men and women deeply in love shows the same activity in the brain’s reward system as that of a cocaine addict.

Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher discovered her love-struck participants could easily list what they didn’t like about their beloveds, but under the influence of pleasure-enhancing dopamine they overlook those faults.

Evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup adds that people are generally more drawn to others with mutual interests and backgrounds.

Add those two theories together, and you come up with the reason for the success or failure of odd couples.

Once the drugs wear off, the relationship will only last if they share similar interests.

Which would explain why you broke up with that guy in a French restaurant after he thought steak tartare was a T-bone with white sauce.

Love may be blind, but it’s not deaf and dumb as well.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky news anchor and News. Ltd columnist.

“Look babe, you’ve got a killer voice, you know the camera loves you. But you need to put on a few kilos. Here, have some doughnuts.”

Fat chance, you may say.

But big girls are hot right now.

Take Adele, for example.

The sassy soul singer has just broken Madonna’s record for the longest-running Number One for a female artist.

Instead of undertaking a punishing diet and exercise regime, Adele is proud of her size 14 body.

The 21-year-old is a terrific role model for young girls.

“People don’t need to use their bodies sexually to do well at all,” she told a UK newspaper. “If anyone ever told me to lose weight I wouldn’t work with them any more. I’d be like, ba-bye.“

And, in a thinly veiled swipe at Katy Perry, “I don’t rely on my tits to have hits”.

You go girl!

Back home, Magda Szubanski is the perennial cover girl for Women’s Weekly.

The comedienne is blasé about how people perceive her, after being ‘papped’ on a Sydney beach.

“I think it’s great to be photographed the way I am,” she told the magazine, “My body shape is very normal for an awful lot of people. I am what I am and I’m not ashamed to be so.”

God I love that woman.

Domestic goddess Nigella Lawson says she would never deprive herself of good food.

“The only thin part of me is my waist, so I need to have that and my ankles and wrists on show. Frankly, I’m built like a shot-putter!” she told the BBC.

Which is why we embrace these cuddly women.

They have the gift of self-deprecation – unlike some skinny stars whose brains are also emaciated.

Much has been made of Chrissie Swan’s Logie nominations, but I wasn’t surprised.

Her intelligence, warmth and wit burst through the screen every day on Channel 10’s The Circle.

Women can relate to her.

I remember starting in television 20 years ago as a ‘fuller figured girl’, shocked by the lollipop ladies with their big heads and tiny bodies.

I vowed to remain a size 12, because I didn’t want to send the wrong message to impressionable young women.

The inclusion of voluptuous newsreader Samantha Armytage in Dancing with the Stars shows the times, they are a-changin’.

You no longer need to starve yourself to keep your job on prime-time television.

Then there’s sexy Colombian actress Sophie Vergara from Modern Family, who boasts that “Eating is my favourite hobby, especially dessert!”

Even the fashion industry has come a long way from the day Karl Lagerfeld famously said, “No-one wants to see curvy women”.

Obviously he’d never seen Tahnee Atkinson modelling Peter Alexander pyjamas.

When the size 10 beauty won on Australia’s Top Model in 2009, some said she was too big.

As Peter Alexander explained last week to The Sunday Telegraph, “Men love curves, and some women – especially in the fashion industry – tend to hate them, so when I designed my ‘50s inspired collection I was insistent we use a curvaceous woman”.

A friend who’s a TV executive describes women with star quality like this: Someone other women want to be friends with, and men want to f#*k.”

As we all know, like attracts like. So it makes sense to put a size 14 woman on the screen – the same as the average female viewer.

Let’s hope this trend lasts longer than the “fat backlash” of 2003, when Kelly Osbourne and Mia Tyler joined other plus-size women on the catwalk to celebrate boobs and bums.

Then, famed stick figures Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie toppled these Rubenesque sculptures from their pedestals.

I’d like to see the wise and wonderful Adele knock them both for six.

With wisdom beyond her years, she sends her message loud and clear: “I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy”.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky News anchor and News Ltd. columnist.

He is a bully and a thug.

Forget the video apology, the anger management, the community service and the tweets about his music being “all about uplifting one another”.

It’s hollow spin.

There’s a reason why his PR agent is known as “the spin doctor’s spin doctor”.

Michael Sitrick – author of the book Spin: How to Turn the Power of the Press To Your Advantage – has weaved webs of deceit for Rush Limbaugh, Paris Hilton, and the Archdiocese of Los Angeles during a sexual abuse lawsuit.

He encouraged Chris Brown to go to anger management classes after he pleaded guilty to felony assault on then-girlfriend Rihanna.

“Chris doesn’t have to go by law,” a source said at the time, “but he believes it will make him look better to the public.”

I’m sure that made Rihanna feel a whole lot better after almost being choked to death.

A split lip. A broken nose. Bites on her hands.

Then, he loses it again.

The Good Morning America interview is car-crash television.

Co-anchor Robyn Roberts is relaxed and polite as she asks Brown the same questions many others have posed over the past two years.

He rudely ignores her, repeating the same spun “key message” about his new CD.

The singer’s body language says it all. He is a tightly coiled spring, ready to explode.

According to the TMZ website, after the taping he screamed in his dressing room and threw a chair into a window, shattering it.

He also reportedly got in the face of a GMA segment producer and had to be separated from the employee by other staff members.

Then he took to twitter: “I’m so over people bringing this past sh*t up!!! Yet we praise Charlie Sheen and other celebs for there (sp) bullsh*t.”

No Chris, we don’t praise Charlie Sheen.

Frankly, you’ve had a pretty good run so far.

You didn’t have to do jail time over Rihanna’s bashing – just six months of “community labour” picking up rubbish and removing graffiti.

And there were no charges laid over two previous allegations of domestic abuse.

Now, of course, Chris Brown again expresses regret.

“First of all, I want to apologise to anybody who was startled in the office, or anybody who was offended or really looked, and [was] disappointed at my actions,” ABC quotes Brown as saying. “Because I’m disappointed in the way I acted.”

The incident isn’t likely to have any impact on his five years’ probationary period.

But it will have an effect on his popularity, which the website Hecklerspray once likened to “a dose of bacterial vaginosis”.

Tragically, it is unlikely to influence his behaviour in the future.

As in Charlie Sheen’s case, no charges have been laid.

New York police were not called to the studios, despite reports of property damage.

The best way to punish Chris Brown is in the hip pocket. Boycott his upcoming concert in April, and don’t buy his CD.

Unless these spoiled stars face the consequences for their crimes, they are forever doomed to repeat them.

Pity the poor girl who suffers next time.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky news anchor and News Ltd columnist.

And – don’t tell anyone –she’s converted to Scientology so she’ll have her mouth taped shut during the birth.

That way she won’t freak out little E.T. with all the screaming.

I mean, I don’t think they’ll actually call it E.T. but it kinda fits in with the other kids’ weird names don’t you reckon?

Ooh – and I almost forgot – there’s no way David’s the real father of any of those kids because he’s sooooo gay.

Of course, all of the above is bulls#*t.

But some of the rumours that swirl around celebrity pregnancies are crazy.

Remember the one about Posh wearing a fake bump?

I can understand how the seed was planted.

Skinny Spice has never looked “heavy with child”. More like she swallowed a grapefruit.

But who would walk around with a prosthetic bump shoved up their jumper for six months?

The same can be said of Nicole Kidman.

Every time she was bloated, or put her hand on her stomach after eating lunch, she was papped.

When she finally became pregnant, it was dubbed “fake” or “too small” or, worse still, a “publicity stunt”.

Then there are the rumours that give caesareans a bad name.

They had the baby taken out early to avoid extra kilos or stretch marks; they didn’t want to ruin the look ‘down under’; or they were simply too posh to push.

While Victoria Beckham and Nicole Kidman are accused of having phantom pregnancies for remaining so slim, Kate Hudson is pilloried for piling on the weight.

Women – we just can’t win.

Beyonce has a great attitude about it all.

In a recent interview she laughed, “They say I’ve been pregnant like eight times, so I am kind of used to it. I just hope that, one day, when I decide to be pregnant that people are happy for me. One day hopefully I will be. It’s part of being a celebrity, I guess”.

I reckon celebrities do a deal with the devil when they reveal personal details to magazines to publicise their latest projects.

But that doesn’t mean they deserve to be treated like they’re from another planet.

One friend in the entertainment industry put up with monthly magazine headlines of “Is She or Isn’t She?” while going through dramatic hormonal fluctuations during IVF.

It compounded her grief at being unable to have a child.

Then there’s my actor friend who’s been the subject of gay rumours for, gee, about 30 years now.

When I tell people he’s happily married with two kids, they often respond with “Well, that’s just a front. My brother/sister/friend sees him at gay nightclubs ALL THE TIME”.

Alrighty then.

As strange as it may seem, celebrities are just like us. Sure, they have more money, bigger houses and plastic surgery.

But when it comes to the important things – the happiness and heartache of raising a family – it’s pretty much the same (except they have more hired help).

They’re not aliens. They’re human beings living life in the uncomfortable spotlight of fame.

Tracey Spicer is a 2UE broadcaster, Sky anchor and News Ltd. columnist.

Ten years on, the zeitgeist film looks rather pathetic, with Renee Zellweger as a neurotic woman desperate to be loved.

In the books, each chapter began with a list of Bridget’s supposed vices.

129 lbs. (but post-Christmas), alcohol units 14 (but effectively covers 2 days as 4 hours of party was on New Year’s Day), cigarettes 22, calories 5424.

To today’s confident young women, this might as well be written in Swahili.

The second film, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, was no better, as her mounting insecurities threaten her relationship with Mark Darcy.

Now, Zellweger is considering coming back for a third film.

But would the franchise work in the modern era, when our heroines resemble ladettes rather than ladies?

In the films No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits, the power balance tips in favour of women.

Natalie Portman’s character doesn’t believe in love.

“No two people are meant to be together forever,” Emma tells her f*#k buddy Adam, played by Ashton Kutcher.

Sure – they eventually end up together.

But it’s encouraging to see Hollywood explode the myth that, for women, sex and love are inextricably linked.

Plenty of my friends have had a plan cul, as they say in France, without losing their hearts.

According to a study in the Journal of Neurophysiology, sex and romantic love involve different parts of the brain.

“Our findings show that the brain areas activated when someone looks at a photo of their beloved only partially overlap with the brain regions associated with sexual arousal,” says the study’s author Arthur Aron.

In the words of Justin Timberlake’s character Jamie in Friends with Benefits, “ Why does it (sex) always gotta come with complications? It’s a physical act, like tennis!”

The trailer features Timberlake’s Dylan repeatedly giving oral pleasure to Mila Kunis’ Jamie, who clearly has ‘hand’ in the relationship.

In another scene, Jamie’s mother confronts Dylan: “So my daughter was just your slam piece?”

“No, no, I mean…” Dylan stumbles. “Just kidding – slam away!” the mother responds.

Interestingly, the female stars in each of these films, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, end up kissing each other in Black Swan.

Bring it on.

Female sexual empowerment – and experimentation – in film has come a long way.

The poster for Gone with the Wind shows Rhett holding Scarlett, her face upturned and upper body partly exposed, reeking of male dominance and female passivity.

In Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly Golightly makes her living as a ‘companion’ to prominent men.

Then there’s the romantic relationship in Jerry Maguire, which one reviewer describes like this: “Women see hearts and flowers and emotions as they define romance. Men, action-oriented, see the completion of a quest and objective.”

Please.

Modern women can be just as driven by the thrill of sexual conquest as men.

Recently, I sat down with a group of girls and roared with laughter as we recounted our conquests, like men carving notches into their belts.

There were no jagged shards of broken hearts anywhere.

In Love and other Drugs, Anne Hathaway’s character Maggie has many lovers, refusing to settle down with Jake Gyllenhaal’s Jamie after their ten-minute date ends up in the sack.

Not all new films are feminist fantasies, however.

In the upcoming Bad Teacher, Cameron Diaz appears to be in charge as the independent, foul-mouthed, sassy schoolteacher.

But she turns out to be a gold-digger, trying to woo a fellow teacher who is heir to a watch-making fortune.

Her plan is to raise enough money at a school car wash to buy a new set of boobs, because her target is a tit man.

Sigh.

This harks back to Bridget Jones desperately trying to lose weight to gain a man.

To update the premise, the third film will reportedly begin with Renee Zellweger standing on the scales, having reached her target weight.

Wow, what a giant leap for womankind: Being judged as a success because you’ve lost a few kilos. Germaine Greer would be so proud.

The late 80s and early 90s were fertile ground for revisionist feminism.

In Susan Faludi’s book, Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women, she argued that society remained resistant to women’s liberation, spawning a culture of subjugation.

To wit – chick lit.

The Bridget Jones films and Sex and the City franchise perpetrate the myth that a woman’s value lies in her ability to snare a man.

The purpose of the clothes, shoes and handbags in SATC is to look sexy enough to attract Mr. Big.

The sequel didn’t work in 2010 because we’ve moved on.

I remember audible groans in the cinema when Mr. Big wins Carrie back with a black diamond ring.

Memo Hollywood: Women are no longer chattels to be bought or sold.

Anthropologist and author Helen Fisher reckons we’re now returning to the trends of one million years ago.

Our forebears had multiple partners.

“We are shedding traditions that emerged with the Agricultural Revolution and returning to the patterns of sex, romance and attachment that evolved on the grasslands of Africa millions of years ago,” she writes.

And that means more ‘hooking up’.

Unfortunately, the Bridgets of the world keep dragging us back to the bad old days.

There’s a new musical planned for London’s West End.

The good news is, pop singer Lily Allen is writing the score and lyrics.

I look forward to Bridget singing It’s Not Fair, in which Allen eviscerates her lover’s heart.

“There’s just one thing/that’s getting in the way/When we go to bed/you’re just no good/it’s such a shame.”

Bridget grabbing a bloke by the balls? Now that’s something I’d pay to see.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky newsreader, MC, keynote speaker and News Ltd columnist.

Now the stiletto is well and truly on the other foot.

A new survey reveals a quarter of daughters want their mothers to dress their age.

Across the western world muttony mums are lambing it up, following the trend set by Madonna, Demi Moore and Jerry Hall.

The Material Girl is yearning for the days when she was like a virgin.

These days, she wears the same 80s flashback clothes as her 14-year-old daughter Lourdes.

Madonna’s mini-me has even performed with her on stage wearing an identical black mini-dress.

It makes me wonder whether Madonna has a Dorian Gray-style picture in her attic that becomes older and creepier as she sells her soul for eternal youth.

Then there’s 16-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis.

Firstly, she has to put up with that ridiculous name.

Secondly, her mother Demi is “larking around with Ashton Kutcher like a scene from a bad MILF porno”, according to a particularly nasty website.

And thirdly, mummy insists they dress the same.

If you look really closely, you can see the thought bubble over the 48-year-old’s head: “I look SO HOT right now. I mean, I could be Tallulah’s big sister, right??!”.

At least she’s moved on from dressing like her older daughter Rumer Willis, who looks like her father Bruce.

Let’s just say it wouldn’t have done anything for the poor girl’s self-esteem.

As a daughter of a young and beautiful mother, I became accustomed to – and vicariously flattered by – the complimentary looks and comments that came her way.

But I remember squirming when strangers came up and said, “Wow! Who’s the mother and who’s the daughter?”

If mum had dressed like me, the shame would have been unbearable.

So imagine what these girls are going through, as this discomfort is magnified by the public glare.

What kind of mother crushes her daughter’s confidence to boost her own?

It is particularly damaging during the pubescent years, when girls are establishing their sense of self.

Why do these so-called mature women do it?

Every day, we’re reminded that ageing is bad.

“30 is the new 40! Turn back the clock with (insert product here)! Stop the (five, six or seven) signs of ageing!”

These messages hold great subliminal power.

Many women simply cannot resist them.

After all, a fragile self-esteem is not exclusive to the young.

We can exercise our butts off to fit into those damn mini dresses.

But it just looks wrong.

Deep down, we know it. And, importantly, our daughters know it.

In a cruel paradox, we spend the first quarter of our lives trying to look older, then the next three-quarters trying to look younger.

Like hamsters on a treadmill we run, pluck, botox and moisturise like our lives depend on it.

When really, we should be spending that time telling our daughters they’re beautiful on the inside.

That physical beauty is not the measure of a woman’s worth.

My four-year-old walked in to the bathroom the other day and asked, “Mummy, can I wear your lipstick?”

“No darling, that’s for ladies not little girls,” I replied.

She burst into tears.

“But I want to look pretty! Like you!” she sniffled.

Without even knowing it, we send the wrong messages to our little girls by our everyday concessions to vanity.

We pass on our neuroses to the next generation.

In a magazine article last year, Demi Moore admitted to having “an extreme obsession with my body”.

“I made it a measure of my own value. I tried to dominate it, and I changed it multiple times over. But it never lasted and ultimately it didn’t bring me anything but temporary happiness. Does it resolve anything? No.”

Perhaps she should practise what she preaches.

Or maybe she takes literally the expression “Like mother, like daughter”.

Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky newsreader and News Ltd columnist.

But singer and actor Sophie Monk is taking it to a whole new level.

Her new fiancé – 50-year-old French-born millionaire Jimmy Esebag – may well be intelligent, charming and un bon coup in the sack.

But frankly, he looks like a frog – a frog that’s been lathered in fake tan and dressed in a crumpled white shirt, unbuttoned to the waist, with a chain around its neck.

Sure, it’s a mean thing to say. But we’re all thinking it.

Why do beautiful women fall for ugly men?

And why doesn’t it happen the other way around? (Aside from one or two notable exceptions.)

In the past the answer was money. But these days, women are capable of earning almost as much as men.

Perhaps it’s a self-esteem issue. Every gob-smackingly, earth-shatteringly beautiful woman I’ve met is riven by insecurity.

An extra kilo or wrinkle causes gnashing of teeth and furrowing of brow (easily repaired by cosmetic dentistry and botox, thankfully).

They suffer the anxieties of ageing more than mere mortals.

There’s a theory that an ugly man will be eternally grateful to be plucked from obscurity by a goddess.

The stark comparison further enhances her otherwordly beauty.

Interestingly, Monk has declared her new man a doppelganger: “I’m marrying a male version of myself.”

All I can say is, go into a hall of mirrors, girlfriend, and take a good, hard look at yourself.

Another school of thought points to the male equivalent of the dumb blonde: The asinine Adonis.

Devastatingly handsome men never needed to develop a personality.

Like Narcissus, they spend an inordinate amount of time staring at their reflection, revelling in their physical superiority.

As a partner, this can be kinda borning.

(I once went out with a fella who took longer to get ready than I did. It’s not an attractive trait.)

Then there’s the stuff old men know that young ‘uns don’t.

Like proper foreplay. And where to find the G-spot.

But it’s not just about sex.

Anthropologists reckon girls who had good relationships with their fathers, are attracted to men who look like papa.

Whatever the reason, we all know that looks aren’t everything.

30-year-old model Kristy Hinze extols the virtues of her older partner’s intellect.

65-year-old Texas billionaire Jim Clark has a PhD in computer science.

It’s a sentiment echoed by Sophie Monk.

“Jimmy is worldly and smart and I want to be with someone I can learn from,” she told News Ltd. “I love everything about him. He’s given me a new perspective on life.”

I guess one woman’s frog is another woman’s Prince Charming.