Phenomenal Philippines

Far from the hustle and bustle of the capital Manila, the islands of Bohol and Palawan are pristine pockets of gin-clear waters, abundant wildlife and geological oddities. Get off the beaten track for the adventure of a lifetime.

It’s a good idea to tell your kids before you go to the Philippines that the Chocolate Hills aren’t actually made of chocolate.

This inverse moon landscape – on the remote island of Bohol in the Philippines archipelago – comprises 1776 hills, up to 120 metres high.

In summer they turn brown, prompting a visiting American professor to famously exclaim, “They look like Chocolate Kisses (Hersheys)”.

We marvel at Mother Nature while four-year-old Taj wails, “where’s the chocolate?!!!” until we finally cave in and buy him a Lindt ball from the souvenir shop.

Monkey see, monkey do

Bohol is an hour’s flight from Manila but it’s another world.

Driving inland from Tagbilaran airport we weave through throngs of tricycles, daubed with bible quotations; past preserved buildings from the time of Spanish occupation; along the “chicken intestine road” surrounded by lush green jungle and terraced rice paddies.

Here, you’ll find Bohol’s other tourist attraction – the tarsier, said to be the world’s smallest primate at just 12 centimetres tall.

The Lonely Planet calls them “the result of a sexual encounter between ET and a Gremlin”.

Illegal logging and the pet trade have rendered the species endangered, so the government has set up two protected areas where you can feed them crickets.

Using a long stick, Taj pokes the cricket towards one creepy creature, whose eyes widen to cover a-third of his face.

We scream in fright when he leaps up to eat the insect, but are soon rolling about with laughter.

They really do define cute: interesting but ugly.

The kids cuddle a couple and ask whether we can take them home.

Sadly, there’s a 20 percent chance the tarsier will be extinct within seven years.

Food, glorious food

Bohol is known as an adventure destination popular with cave divers, snorkellers and trekkers, but that exertion can build up an appetite.

Thankfully Filipinos are great gourmands, combining Spanish, indigenous, American and Malaysian influences in their cultural melting pot.

Over lunch at the Panglao Island Nature Resort our host Evelyn says, “We eat five, sometimes six times a day. Sometimes we look for a reason to eat. Is it someone’s anniversary? Let’s eat!”

Most menus include an adobe, a traditional dish of pork or chicken braised with garlic, soy sauce and vinegar, and finish with ube – bright purple yam simmered in coconut milk.

Do not come here if you’re on a diet: The food is sensational.

Pristine Palawan

While the waters of Bohol teem with tropical fish, they’re not quite as colourful as those of “the last frontier” – pristine Palawan.

Our destination is the five star Lagen Island resort, within the protected marine sanctuary at El Nido.

Getting there is an adventure in itself.

A light plane travels an hour from Manila, landing on a sandy airstrip between towering limestone islands surrounded by emerald waters.

A jeepney – a converted WW2 jeep festooned with cartoons and religious iconography – takes us to an old-fashioned outrigger for the ride to the resort.

And what a ride it is, past rocky islands fringed with the whitest of white sand, jewelled waters lapping at the shore.

Like a postcard from Tahiti, the resort comes into view, nestled at the base of a rugged limestone cliff.

The kids run to the balcony of our luxury over-water bungalow to watch hundreds of tropical fish, engaged in an aquatic beauty pageant.

This is a piece of paradise.

Underwater world

Aside from kayaking, lazing on the beach or reading a book, the best thing to do here is diving.

While the kids doze on the deck of our tiny outrigger, we dive among schools of vertical-swimming needlefish, iridescent blue clams and countless Nemos.

The water is the colour of Bombay Sapphire, so we decide to head to one of several deserted beaches for a private picnic in our own cabana.

Waiters in starched white suits bring Moroccan chicken skewers, superb sushi and pork fillets marinated in soy and coriander.

As the sun sets on enchanting El Nido, we debate whether we should tell anyone about this secret spot.

Filipinos speak of it in hushed terms, fearing it may one day be ruined by tourism.

With that in mind, we leave only footprints, and take only memories.